Episode Transcript
[00:00:00]
Peter B: All right. Amanda.
Amanda: What's up?
Peter B: Have you heard of the five love languages?
Amanda: Who hasn't?
Words of affirmation, acts of service, and there's a few more.
Peter B: Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like physical touch, quality time, buy me a damn gift already. Right? Got it? Yeah. Okay, so, uh, which one are you?
Amanda: What do you think I am?
Peter B: I don't know.
Amanda: Oh, well, acts of service, hands down. If I come home and you cleaned all the dishes and the house is all tidy, done.
Peter B: Makes sense.
Amanda: Love you forever.
Peter B: Makes sense, good to know. I didn't realize it would be so easy to crack that code. I have an idea.
Amanda: Oh yeah?
Peter B: After we record this episode, I'll put everything away and clean up the studio for you, and you can just sit back and relax and watch.
Amanda: That would be lovely. And I would just love you a little bit more than I already do.
Though, we barely even started and I think this is probably going to be one of the best episodes ever. So, what's your love language?
Peter B: Well, therein lies the problem.
Amanda: What [00:01:00] problem?
Peter B: I'm not sure what it is.
Amanda: What? How do you not know?
Peter B: That's why I asked the question in the first place. But I have an idea though.
Amanda: Oh no, what?
Peter B: I propose we add a new love language for Peter.
Amanda: Of course you would propose that. And now I'm really nervous because you have set me up, but I'm going to ask the question anyways.
Peter B: I, I totally set you up.
Amanda: What is it?
Peter B: Okay, uh, when was the last time you laughed? Like, I'm talking about like a massive laugh.
Amanda: That was like two seconds ago.
Peter B: No, no, no, like, like takes your breath away laugh. Like you can't even hold it together. You even peed a little bit like in your, you know, pants.
Amanda: Probably like February 6th, 2023.
Peter B: Wow. So specific. Like, do you remember that? Really?
Amanda: Absolutely. No, of course not. I just made it up. So you would tell me what you're trying to get out here.
Peter B: Oh, you just made my point. You don't remember. That's why I propose laughter should be my love language. Cause when I think about it, it's the only thing that really lights up my soul.
Yeah, that's true. [00:02:00] It really does for you getting a laugh and laughing. are totally up your alley.
Wow, I didn't even think about that. Because if my love language is laughter, then that means I want someone to make me laugh.
Amanda: You like humor.
Peter B: Oops.
Amanda: You were drawn to humor.
Peter B: No, correct. Although, but I really enjoy making people laugh.
So, maybe that's not my love language after all.
Amanda: No, it is. Because as acts of service, I love when people do things without me having to ask. Yes. But in return, I help people out.
Peter B: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Amanda: In their time of need.
Peter B: I know. So then I have to find someone who makes me laugh.
Therein lies the problem. Because I think I'm hilarious, but now I have to find someone who makes me laugh.
Amanda: I mean, you're the funniest person in the room all the time. Okay. I have a great idea. Good luck good luck.
Peter B: When this episode's over, why don't I clean the studio? And you think of ways to make me laugh.
Amanda: Oh lord have mercy, this is not gonna go well. Let's do this! Okay, we can try.
Peter B: Hey everyone, welcome to sort of sophisticated, a podcast rooted in becoming more cultured and curious [00:03:00] where we endeavor to suspend judgment, expand our worldview, and learn to appreciate varying perspectives and values,
Amanda H: but really it's a show where we hope to enlighten anyone who cares on topics that might make them more interesting and well versed humans and just dangerous enough to hold their own in this sophisticated world, sort of.
Peter B: And today We will be broadcasting from our love lab.
Amanda: Oh God.
Peter B: Where we will attempt to decode the five love languages, because apparently saying I love you isn't enough, unless you also bring home takeout or offer a foot massage. So whether you're a seasoned expert, who can recite the love languages in your sleep, or someone who thought physical touch meant high fives, join us as we unravel these romantic dialects and discover whether you're speaking quality time, or just plain time.
Plain Klingon, people. Shout out to all the Trekkies out there. And our word of the day is Philopendulous. Our challenge is to work this word into the podcast somewhere and make it seem like we meant to.
Amanda: I really don't know where you find these words. Come on. Philopenduous?
Peter B: Philopendulous.
Amanda: Like, what [00:04:00] is happening? What is the definition?
Peter B: Okay, it means sort of like, hanging on by a thread. Like, literally. Like the way a cocoon hangs from a little tree branch. Or sort of the way I'm just getting through life right now.
Amanda: Alright, one, bullshit. But two, gotta go hard and deep like that? Come on. Right out the gate? Gotta start tugging at those heart strings?
Peter B: Ah, I am a little bit. What do
Amanda: Alright, alright, okay, hanging by a thread. Good luck.
Peter B: I am being philopendulous right now.
Amanda: I don't think that's how that fits in. You're hanging by a thread?
Peter B: Look it up, mama.
Amanda: Alright. Why don't you go ahead and give us a little history of the five love languages, who created them, blah blah blah blah blah blah, because we know how much you like history.
Peter B: Always gotta start with history. That's what we're here for. All right. So this dude, Dr. Gary Chapman figured out there were basically five general air quote, general ways we communicate love to one another.
We'll get to those in a minute. I want to introduce Dr. Chapman first, cause he deserves a little shout out. So basically he's this famous marriage counselor. Well, he's famous now [00:05:00] because he. Wasn't when he figured all the shit out.
Amanda: Is he dead?
Peter B: He is not dead.
Amanda: Oh, okay No, cuz usually people get famous after they die. So just checking
Peter B: That is true We've we've sort of figured that one out No he I guess he started as a pastor and then became a marriage counselor And now of course most recently an author who spent the last 40 or 50 years helping screwed up couples improve their relationships He's like really old now Like, born in 1938, like before World War II even started, man.
Like, old, old. Like, maybe like 90. But not dead! Anyway, so, he starts his career as a marriage counselor, and pretty much like any normal therapist, all these couples would come into his office complaining they were, misunderstood or unloved, he doesn't get what I'm saying. The story of my life.
Through his sessions, he started noticing patterns, or as Gabby would say, padrons, because she never said that right, uh, on how these couples expressed and received love, probably because he liked figuring out puzzles.
Amanda: He had a beautiful mind. Yeah. Or was a genius.
Peter B: Well, we're not sure. Who knows? But shout out to Dr. Chapman. So, I think it's [00:06:00] because he was wicked smart. He basically realized they were speaking different languages, air quotes, when it came to expressing this kind of love. So somehow, he figures out to start sorting these patterns into categories, as all these couples kept sharing example after example of all the shit they had to deal with.
And voila, the five basic languages were born. So around 1992, I'm not going to date myself and tell you where I was during that time, Amanda So Chapman has this aha moment and realizes not only could he explain these languages in his sessions, but they could also be an awesome tool for improving communication between partners.
So he writes the now insanely famous book. The Five Love Languages, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. And in the book, it basically outlines the five primary ways people express and experience love.
Since its publication, are you ready for this? It's sold over 20 million copies worldwide and has been translated into more than 50 languages. That's like the Bible. Okay, no, I think the Bible is way more than that, but you get my point. It has been on numerous bestseller lists [00:07:00] and one of the most recommended books by therapists and 30 years later It is a total cultural phenomenon It's all over social media tick tock Instagram snap whatever else and it's worked its way into everyday conversations Which I think is totally awesome.
So I have an idea.
Amanda: Oh, no another one.
Peter B: I know we breezed through a This all in the teaser, but why don't you give the names of each love language with like a quick description and then I'll fill in some details and examples.
Amanda: Okay. I'll try my best.
Peter B: We ready?
Amanda: I guess so.
Peter B: Go.
Amanda: Okay, so I'm gonna go with words of affirmation first.
Basically it's verbal expressions of love or appreciation, and it's about saying nice things and showing your partner that you notice something in their actions and compliments make this group of people feel all warm and fuzzy inside like a warm hug.
Peter B: They do, and it's awesome. And I know I totally said laughter should be my love language.
Um, but until that's official this is totally my [00:08:00] love language and it drove my wife. crazy
Amanda: Yours is words of affirmation.
Peter B: Yes, it drove Gabby crazy.
Amanda: Like, you need
Peter B: I need words of affirmation.
Amanda: Really? Okay. Oh no, I would have bet physical touch.
Peter B: Oh God, no. Well, that's so funny because I think a lot of women think men's is physical touch and I think a lot of Specifically, I think a lot of men think women's is acts of service and we could do a whole podcast on that
Amanda: interesting
Peter B: But no mine is all words of affirmation Um, all I've ever wanted to hear from this woman was like you're hilarious or you're hot or you look so good in that outfit I mean Amanda Like every day like I was worse than her at this.
Okay, she knew it. She like totally knew it. And sometimes I'm not gonna lie. I feel like she went out of her way to purposely say it about someone else right in front of me. And then I'd look at her like what the fuck just happened. And she would give me that like super flirty little look like I just nailed you and she loved it.
She would just stop me at my tracks. She had so much power when she did this to me and totally knew how to like get my goat. It was a mind [00:09:00] screw and super hot all at the same time. And it totally made me want to physically touch her all over the place. And she was awesome. And I love her.
Amanda: I have so many feelings about this.
Peter B: I know. Uh, Let me keep going here. So she had this nickname for me. She used to call me the verbal vitamin. So this took about 10 years in our relationship before she figured this out. Yeah. Um, she was a psychology major. So she learned this, like the love languages.
Amanda: I didn't know she was a psychology major.
Peter B: Yeah. Before she became a PA. Yeah. Yeah. So she learned this love language crap like a long time ago. Um, so the verbal vitamin, because I needed to hear I love you like every morning, like you would take like a one a day pill, like a woman's pill or a man's pill. Like that's what, that was my name.
It was total joke that she came up with.
It's like I have this meter inside of me that fills up every time somebody says something nice and when it's full, I burst like the yellow light of the sun all over everyone. I would literally beg Gabby to tell me something nice. It really was hilarious.
Amanda: Okay. So really when you get all the bad feedback about the podcast.
Peter B: That's terrible. No, it crushes, it's soul crushing. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. That's why it's so hard to be [00:10:00] just out there. Oh my God. Yes. Okay. So some examples of things you could look for, for words of affirmation people, right? Like, uh, you look amazing today. How about thanks for being so awesome all the time.
You're so cool to hang out with. And my personal fav, you're perfect and I love you. And some things they don't want to hear, let's start with, you look tired. Did you sleep enough last night? Kill me now when people say that to me. Uh, the worst one, what's wrong with you today? You're acting different. How about you go fuck yourself?
Like when people say that to me and I get that quite a bit, like I know I should be doing a lot of self awareness stuff in my head. I want to kill them.
Amanda: It's like they light a fuse.
Peter B: Oh, totally. So here's my like weird quirky analogy for these people. Like think of us as sort of like a love jukebox. You put in words.
And we'll play a happy song. Just don't forget to keep feeding us compliments, or I'm gonna scratch the record and hit repeat a thousand times and piss you.
Amanda: I really love the way your brain works. It's just so complex. I do [00:11:00] think one day we need to open it up and see what's inside. Maybe donate it to science.
I think that's, that's what we're gonna
Peter B: you don't want to know what's inside my brain. I probably don't. I probably don't. know.
Amanda: Because I don't know how you come up with crap like this.
Peter B: A lot of tarantulas and creepy crawly things.
Amanda: That's a lie. I know what's in your brain. It's fine. Anyways.
Peter B: Okay. Well there's that too.
Amanda: Next.
Peter B: What's next? Give me the second one.
Amanda: Acts of service. Which is like when you're doing a task to show that you care and you support and you sometimes you do it without being asked.
Peter B: Is this like actions speak louder than words?
Amanda: Yes, absolutely.
Peter B: Oh.
Amanda: It's like doing the dishes or picking up the dog poop.
Peter B: Who picks up the dog poop in your house?
Amanda: The children.
Peter B: Are those acts of service to you?
Amanda: No, those are chores.
Peter B: Those are chores, so you don't look at it that way. So they have to go out of their way to do something for you.
Amanda: Not out of the way, when you do it when it's not an obligation.
Peter B: Interesting.
Amanda: Okay. Yeah.
Peter B: Got it.
Amanda: So, like I said at the beginning of the episode, this is totally my love language.
Peter B: I'm getting that. I'm picking up what you're putting down here.
Amanda: Just do stuff that's unexpected for me and I'll be happy all the [00:12:00] time. Happy as a clam.
Peter B: Except receiving gifts. If I give you a gift.
Amanda: I'm not a big
Peter B: Okay, so I have to do something. I can't give you something. Yeah. Okay. I got it. That was totally Gabby too. She was totally acts of service. And Luke, you know Luke, my son Luke. Oh my God. Yes. I nicknamed them the do gooders. So now your official nickname is a do gooder. All right. Yes. I'll join the club. And I know you guys do like a shit ton of work because it's what makes you go, right? But my problem with you people is that your expectation is that you expect the same thing from everybody else. Like, it's ridiculous.
Amanda: But that is how you know what your love language is.
Peter B: No, but like, your mission is to get shit done, period. And people better help you. I bet you have a honey do list on your fridge for Trent. Liar. You totally do. Honey, do the laundry. Honey, fix the sink.
I don't. Tell me now.
Amanda: I don't.
Peter B: Um, let me guess, you love coming home to the vacuum house? Absolutely. Clean laundry? Yep. Dinner? Mm hmm. And hate, hate, hate, uh, I'm too busy right now. I'll do it later.
Amanda: Uh huh, yep, death. Death, really? I'm just kidding.
Peter B: I [00:13:00] kind of think this is BS.
Amanda: Maybe not death, but, you know.
Peter B: I think this is kind of like, I love you with strings attached.
Amanda: No.
Peter B: I think acts of service shouldn't be a love language.
It's so like, what, utilitarian. There's nothing sexy about it. Words of affirmation are so much better.
Amanda: No, I don't think so. Those are exhausting.
Peter B: No, not really.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Peter B: Not when, like, I take off my shirt and she's like, oh my god, you look so good today.
It's so much better than take out the laundry, please.
Amanda: The whole point is I don't have to ask to take out the laundry. You would just do it.
Peter B: Fine, whatever. What's number three?
Amanda: Okay, fine. Number three we're just going to move on to receiving gifts.
Receiving gifts. Pretty self explanatory. You buy some shit and the person's happy.
Peter B: Do you know anybody like that? Yeah. I don't know anybody like that.
Amanda: Really?
Peter B: None of my kids, nobody I know, no.
Amanda: I know a few people who are definitely receiving gifts and they generally are the people who are really good gift givers because they put a lot of thought
Peter B: So are we shallow? Like, is that, like I'm sort of having a moment like are those shallow
people.
Amanda: I don't think so I think it's that is how they feel like you thought about them is [00:14:00] Because you thought to buy them a gift you put in the energy
Peter B: effort thought thoughtful you go thoughtful Yeah, okay.
Okay, so these guys receiving gift guys, we call them treasure hunters
but they don't need your money money money They just want to make the world dance forget about the price tag It's way more about the thoughtfulness behind the gift.
Amanda: I think it's thoughtfulness for everyone for everyone It's
just how you show your thoughtfulness Yes
Peter B: But like for me like for in this case like if I'm a gift giver like I want like the diamond ring or I want The car but like these people like They like collecting pebbles on the beach.
It's like, that's like the best gift ever to them. Right. Because you thought about it and you picked each pebble up. So yeah. Okay. Kill me now. . I want to be clear. They're love language, not materialistic. They're more like professional gift detectives. They can totally spot an unthoughtful gift a mile away.
So get it right. Or you're like effed. Right. Don't buy her the blender for an anniversary gift, unless you damn well know she wants it. Right. So these people appreciate things like [00:15:00] thoughtful handwritten notes in the morning before work. A random flower picked from a garden and anything custom made for sure because it took effort and they will kill you if You forget their birthday and then subsequently make it up with a gift card.
Are you getting the idea?
Amanda: I mean I get it.
Peter B: Right.
Amanda: Are you getting it?
Peter B: I don't because I don't know these people and I don't even know if I could deal with them. Okay Number four. What do you got?
Amanda: Fine, the fourth one is quality time, which is basically all about spending meaningful time together. Usually undivided attention. They're not clingy. It's just that when they're with you they want you to be present
Peter B: Do you know you probably have no?
Quality time ever in your relationship because you always want to make sure Trent's doing shit for you in your acts of service So that must be
Amanda: clearly acts of service is really hard for you to do.
Peter B: I lived with her for 33 years it was the bane of my existence. Oh my god
Amanda: Did you know that? Usually I mean For what I've [00:16:00] heard and kind of read what that you marry somebody with a such an opposite love language as yours that it is purposefully difficult.
Yes, you have to intentionally dig deep to do the
Peter B: bottom line was we we figured it out early and we loved it and we tease each other about it and we made a beautiful life together because of it. So. It's all good and it's super fun and teasy, but it's it was a pain in the ass always. Yes.
Amanda: Yeah So who do you know that
Peter B: so both of I have two more kids like this Okay, so ruth and paul my two youngest are totally like this I'm eating dinner with them and my phone vibrates and I look at it for like literally one second and I hear geez dad You're such a screen ager and with ruth like especially If she doesn't get, like, I don't know, 500 hours of attention from me a week, she's pissed.
Undivided attention. I'm not sure, like, I could ever satisfy a quality timer. Like, there's no way. Like, they just want to talk and be there and be with you. And it's crazy that, I have kids like this. Because it doesn't fit for me. It's super hard. If [00:17:00] you find yourself With a quality timer, here are a few tips.
They love, love, love eye contact. Total, all the time, like, paying attention. Long walks on the beach? Oh my god. Deep conversations about the universe? Paul, I love you. Or why pineapple doesn't belong on a pizza? Like, Uh, a cozy movie night, popcorn, warm blankets, you get the idea, right? And if you want to get killed, try these little nuggets.
How about, sorry I wasn't listening, what were you saying again? Yeah, kiss of death. And um, how about, let's double date, it's always more fun. Uh, they're gonna look at you like, really? How about never dating again, cause I won't have nothing to do with you anymore, a hole. Yeah, so, those are some steer clears.
Think of them as like the Wi Fi love connection. You If you want the best signal, you need to be close and avoid distraction. Otherwise, you ain't getting any connection, ever.
Amanda: That was a pretty clever analogy there. Good job. That's the brain. It's a good way to remember. Okay, so [00:18:00] our last one then?
Peter B: Yep, let's go.
Amanda: Okay, physical touch. You know, huggy huggy, kiss kiss, all that stuff.
Peter B: There's more stuff?
Amanda: I mean, sure.
Peter B: Is it all, is it all the physical?
Amanda: I mean, it's like a scratch on the back.
Peter B: I'm changing my mind to physical. Or a pat,
Amanda: pat on the knee. Is it
Peter B: pat on your butt? Yeah.
Amanda: I mean, whatever you want.
Peter B: I'm changing it to physical touch.
Amanda: I already told you you were physical touch.
Peter B: Because you think all guys are physical touch!
Amanda: I do not.
Peter B: Yes, you do.
Amanda: I do not. I do not.
Peter B: I mean, I'm not gonna lie. This one is my runner up for sure Okay It's not like I need to be touched all the time But listen when I do it has to count so none of this bullshit like I don't want half hug stuff You got to go all in right like I need the whole hug. You know This is funny because I grew into this one because I was not a hand holder and then like for like the last 15 or 20 years.
I was a total hand holder like in public.
Amanda: I mean you were a Klingon You
Peter B: Yeah, I know.
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah. So that's why I don't think you grew into it. I think that's always been
Peter B: Maybe it was like just like stuff down deep underneath words of affirmation? I don't know. Alright, anyway.
Amanda: Or you just found Gabby and it came out.
Peter B: Right. Maybe that's [00:19:00] it. Alright. They love anything that has to do with getting your sweaty, grubby hands all over them. And they think you have some sort of mental condition if you need any amount of personal space. Like, at all. They're like love puppies.
Like, they're wagging their butts, like Juno, all the time. And they get pet and they pee a little bit, like, while they're pet. Like, it's crazy.
Amanda: And for all of our listeners, Juno is Pete's dog.
Peter B: Oh, yeah. Who, literally, she's two years old and still, when I pet her, she pees. Because she's so excited.
Well, so I have a question. Am I weird because I have like two or do you think a Person can have more than one like am I normal that a person can have more than one?
Amanda: I do absolutely think that a person can have more than one But I would suspect that there is a dominant one I'm sure at some point in your life, you brought Gabby flowers, you gave her a kiss, and then asked her how you could help with dinner, right?
Peter B: Oh, totally. All the time. But the kiss was more like a pat on the bum. But yes. Uh huh.
Amanda: That's three different love languages right there.
Peter B: And Oh! I see what you mean.
Amanda: So she loves bilingual or trilingual in that case, right?
Peter B: Yeah, I think that's [00:20:00] trilingual, totally.
Amanda: And it's not that, she needed all three, but one of them probably meant more to her.
Peter B: Making dinner meant more to her than any of the other ones she put up with the other ones, for sure.
Amanda: So, we're all kind of nuanced. We're imperfect humans. We all can like different things at different times and really I think the idea is just to know which one is your dominant one
Peter B: what if I like to be dominated? Is that is that one?
Amanda: I don't think that's part of this podcast, huh? That's a different one.
Peter B: So are you gonna tell me how to like figure out? Which one I have if I didn't know which one I know I have words of affirmation But like what if you're what if you're listening and you have no idea like how are you supposed to figure this stuff out? I
Amanda: would recommend you go back and listen to our first podcast episode. Oh One about self reflection right and
Peter B: I love that you just shouted that out. That was awesome, Amanda
Amanda: I mean, but that's where it all starts and if you're married, think about your partner. But if not, think about past relationships or people that you're close to, to figure out when you felt loved by them the most. [00:21:00] And you can probably pretty easily figure it out from there.
Peter B: Could you? I mean, like, so like, if I didn't have Gabby, like, do I, like, think about If I didn't have Gabby, I wouldn't have kids, so then I'd be thinking about my friends.
Or like, my brothers and sisters. And I'd be like, okay, what sort of, what makes me
Amanda: What moments in your life did you feel loved by them? Or seen, or appreciated?
Peter B: But you gotta sort of slow down and take stock. Like, you can't just, this takes a minute to probably figure out.
Amanda: Probably. Yeah.
Peter B: Okay, got it.
Amanda: And self awareness.
Peter B: There's gotta be like, An easier way though now, right?
Amanda: Yeah, there's totally an easier way now.
Peter B: What's it, give me, give me like the, I don't want to pay attention, I have ADD way.
Amanda: Oh, you go online and you take a quiz.
Peter B: Yes! Amen!
Amanda: I mean, five minutes, wham bam, thank you man.
Peter B: Let's go. Did Dr. Chapman come up with this quiz?
Amanda: Yes.
Peter B: I love Dr. Chapman.
Amanda: It's in the book.
Peter B: Alright, so after we figure out ours, then like, what if I don't know my partner's? I figured mine out, but now I don't know theirs. Right?
Amanda: I mean,
Peter B: give me some,
Amanda: then I guess you probably shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place.
Peter B: Ouch. Is that the answer? No. Ouch. Wow.
Amanda: Just kidding. Uh, maybe just try [00:22:00] asking them.
Peter B: If Trent asked you, like, okay, 15 years ago, when did you get married? How long ago?
Amanda: Thirteen years ago.
Peter B: Thirteen years ago, okay. So, if he asked you thirteen years ago what was your love language, would you know it, or no?
Amanda: I mean, I did then, yes.
Peter B: You did, okay, alright, fair. So in most cases straight up just ask them
Amanda: generally,
Peter B: okay
Amanda: And if you all don't know it then you pass on the quiz link to them
Peter B: got it and be like, oh, hey figure this out I got let's go right.
Amanda: I mean you really you can't be shy about this.
Peter B: We got to get organized here I get it.
Amanda: You gotta connect right and understand how to connect.
Peter B: Yeah. Yeah, like give me a little bit of that
Amanda: You got to talk about the specific things that resonate with you and why they're important
Peter B: like before or after sex
Amanda: generally, it's sometimes good before, but, you know, whenever.
Peter B: So you have to talk?
Amanda: Yeah.
Peter B: God, talking is so overrated.
Amanda: You gotta talk about what resonates with you and why they're important. You gotta be open and honest. And then you gotta lead by example, even if it's hard. And sometimes that just means you got to go first and hopefully your partner will follow. [00:23:00] And it kind of shows your commitment and the effort that you're trying to put into it.
Peter B: I like to go first thing. I think that's important.
Amanda: Yeah. Cause you know, got to get started, right?
Peter B: You do. I agree. Yep. All in.
Amanda: And then once you start, you got to be patient and you got to keep doing it. Right. It may not feel natural at first, but after some time it will. And you can't get mad if they screw up or you screw up.
Just got to keep trying.
Peter B: Kind of like riding a bike. Yeah. Like you, you get on, you fall, you get on, you fall, you keep going. Yeah. Until it becomes natural. Yeah. Okay.
Amanda: Get a couple bumps and bruises, right? Okay.
Peter B: Keep going. I get it.
Amanda: And then, kind of got to compromise and find a balance. Because it's not always going to be your way. You have to give, and you take, and be flexible.
Peter B: So this is like real work.
Amanda: Yeah, and it's a learning experience.
Amanda H: And maybe finally, if none of that works, go see someone. Get some help, you know. I think a lot of people would be very surprised at the results that they would get having a third party. and they're unbiased, right? So don't be afraid.
Peter B: I love it. I love that idea. Let's go for it. I'm all in. Building a strong and fulfilling relationship requires [00:24:00] like a ton of effort, people, and a lot of understanding and a lot of willingness to meet each other's emotional needs, you got to work together and support each other.
And you can overcome any challenge related to these love languages and strengthen your connection. And I heard that since Dr. Chapman was so successful with his first book, he wrote, like, a bunch of more books, I mean, and it'd get even richer. Now there's, like, five love languages for children.
Five love languages for teenagers. Are they different? Five Love Languages, Military Edition. That one is so random. And I guess each book focuses on the love languages for different types of relationships, like parent child or friend friend. He also co authored The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, which focuses on how to improve team dynamics and employee satisfaction through appreciation.
Go, Dr. C! Gettin rich!
Amanda: Besides getting rich, it does make a lot of sense though, how you can apply knowing someone else's love language in showing them the ways that you care, right? And that's in all relationships though.
Peter B: [00:25:00] Do you know how much effort I put into Gabby's and mine? A lot. I don't have time.
I'm full. I don't have time to figure out everybody else's.
Amanda: But sometimes it's just like a little thing. Like if I knew a co workers , love language was words of affirmation like yours, I would write them a little sticky note that said, great job today and stick it on their little monitor so they could see it.
Right?
Peter B: How come I never got a sticky note yet in all these podcasts?
Amanda: Maybe you just need to try harder.
Peter B: Okay. I'll clean up after the show. Yay! You know why? Because I'm going to go first. I'm going to be the bigger person.
Amanda: Well, Pete, you had so many questions for me. I have a question for you.
Hit it. Do you know if, statistically, couples with the same love language stay married longer than couples with different ones?
Peter B: So actually, I looked this one up. On purpose. Because I wanted to know this. So thank you. I appreciate that. Um. Not a lot of research. No, I checked AI couldn't come up with anything either.
It didn't know because there's nothing out there
Amanda: I would argue they would not
Peter B: okay. So here's the deal. Dr Belinsky going on a limb here. I would assume having the same love language makes shit a lot easier
Amanda: No, I would disagree
Peter B: you would
Amanda: I would
Peter B: interesting. [00:26:00] Here's why I think you project everything.
I'm a projector So if you're an acts of service person You do them by nature, and if your wife gets off on that, then it's a win win, man. It's natural, it naturally provides validation in this never ending dopamine reward loop. I figure it would be like having like multiple orgasms or something.
But if you don't have the same one, don't freak out. What matters more is that you are willing to never give up on each other. And sooner or later, you should get it right. So, I say, total win win, like, it works. Cause like, I'm doing something, she's doing something, it's like back and forth. Why do you disagree with me?
Amanda: Because opposites attract.
Peter B: No, but then it makes it harder.
Amanda: And in order for a relationship to be good and worth it, you have to work on it, right?
Peter B: Huh. This is interesting. Here's what I think we should do. We should do a test. Okay? I think you should leave Trent. I think you should find someone else who is an acts of service lover, hang out with him for like a year, report back [00:27:00] to me the results, unfortunately then break his heart, then go back with Trent.
And then tell me what you thought about that whole year. And we'll write a book on it, and we'll be richer than Dr. Chapman.
What do you think?
Amanda: You should run that one by Trent.
Peter B: Okay. Okay. I think I will after this.
Amanda: Well then, okay, on that note then. What? Wait, wait, what? When couples finally figure out, right, Whatever their love language is.
Yes. What if their love language changes? Oh my god possible
Peter B: I think you're going too deep now. I love it though because I love deep so I wasn't sure if we were going to get this deep in this episode, and I'm totally glad I prepared. I researched this one, especially because I'm a philopendulous widower right now, and I was wondering if grief or depression changes things.
Amanda: Wait, is that even real? Can you Say that there? Philopendulous widower?
Peter B: Dude, totally.
Amanda: You're a hanging by a thread widower.
Peter B: Look that, look that up, dude. That worked like a charm.
Amanda: Okay. Okay. I'm going to look it up.
Peter B: Fine. Go for it. I'm going to keep answering the question. I think the answer to the question is yes.
It is possible for you to change your love language as you get older. Life [00:28:00] experience, personal growth, and changes in circumstances all influence how you perceive and express love. And that is totally changing for me right now.
Amanda: I think I would argue.
Peter B: Argue away?
Amanda: Ready? I think.
Peter B: Go ahead. Argue with the widower. Let's see how this is going to go. Yeah, this is great. I'm glad you picked this fight, Mama.
Amanda: So I think we talked about earlier how you can have two love languages, right? A dominant one and then a secondary. I would argue as you get older, you probably lean more into your secondary than you really are changing.
Peter B: Interesting. Yes, but one I still want everyone to tell me how awesome I am
Amanda: that is my whole point
Peter B: so so far No, so far. I haven't leaked my secondary is physical touch. I have not leaned into that yet.
Amanda: Yes, you have
Peter B: no I had no Wait for it.
Amanda: I think you wait for
Peter B: what I'm learning Since Gabby's passed away is are you ready for this acts of service? No, you're full of shit are starting to matter more
Amanda: Well, maybe because you miss her and [00:29:00] that's what she did in your life
Peter B: Maybe that maybe Absolutely. That could, it could be completely grief related, but I'm telling you, I have a new one emerging. I am. Living proof there is a new one emerging. Okay, here is sort of like a quick list of things to look out for that might like, change this language over time. Cause I'm like, you know, so sophisticated at this now. Um, significant life events such as marriage, parenthood, career changes, loss of loved one, totally can reshape your perspective.
Personal growth, understanding yourself and your emotional needs may deepen as you get older, like you were saying, and so you get, become more attuned, in certain ways of receiving and expressing love that were overlooked. So I think that was where you were going with sort of the secondary one becoming, you know, more stronger.
And then finally, let's do it. Self awareness, an increase in self awareness totally will prompt you to reassess your love language and make adjustments based on what feels authentic to you. Because you start to develop more self awareness the older you get, typically.
Amanda: Okay, fair. Fair, fair, fair. Have you ever heard, though, with [00:30:00] some people , love languages just don't hit?
Peter B: Like, what do you mean, don't hit?
Amanda: Everyone says, the feel good stuff. But it's not, like, actual science.
Peter B: Oh! Oh, like it's fairy dust.
Amanda: Yeah.
Peter B: Pixie dust.
Amanda: Yeah.
Peter B: Oh! Imaginary. Dude, everybody's a critic, am I right?
Amanda: It is true.
Peter B: Whatever.
Amanda: Is there actual science behind this?
Peter B: Of course it's not science.
It's not supposed to be science. It was just a way to, like, when Dr. Chapman wrote this, it was a way to generalize and help people communicate. I think I have a new love language brewing over here, and I think it's hating people for like,
Amanda: you have so many love languages, right?
Peter B: Like right. Seriously. Well, everybody's a critic, right?
Amanda: You're a hater.
Peter B: Yes. So you might be honest something though, because there are dissenters, and the dissenters do argue that the five love languages oversimplify, complex relationship dynamics. And it's not, like, that easy.
So critics will also say that different cultures have their own unique ways of displaying affection, and they don't fit into Chapman's, sort of, five categories. And then, of course, the things we just talked about. Like, critics will say that love is dynamic and can change over time, just what we were saying, and that his [00:31:00] languages are, like, super static, uh, so no bueno.
So, I mean, there are dissenters, for sure.
Amanda: But that's not really a critique, right? That's more just saying it can change from one to another. That's It's not like they're saying that he's wrong, right? Right. But, it's true, everyone is a critic, so, I'll give you that. so, besides love languages, are there any other special languages we should know about?
Peter B: Special
Amanda: And not the ones you made up.
Peter B: Spe Okay. You know me very well now, and, um, that's terrible. I think there's plenty more we use all the time, and we don't really talk about. So, like, first you have body language, right? The shit I use all the time. Facial expressions, gestures, eye contact. I'm an animal about this.
I basically don't even listen to people anymore. I just use their body language to decode and interpret them, like, all day long.
Amanda: But that's because you're expressive, that you use all those things.
Peter B: Okay, I'm just telling you, body language matters. Okay. Then I would say, like, I think the critics are right, cultural languages.
Which I would argue is kind of why we're doing this podcast in the first place, right?
Amanda: Okay, totally.
Peter B: Okay, like, every culture has their ways of [00:32:00] working, so to speak. And I think that can be classified as a type of language, don't you?
Amanda: I mean, yes, it is a type of language and it is fascinating really like when you travel to other countries the stuff you learn and pick up on it and It's awesome.
One of the things, like, I just think about is, like, being Asian, and when, like, you know, someone gives me a gift from America, they want me to open the gift in front of them and give them a reaction of sorts, right? But like, being Asian
Peter B: Because they love, because their love language is receiving gifts and you're an asshole?
Amanda: Maybe.
Peter B: Okay.
Amanda: But like, being Asian, you would receive the gift, you're very thankful for it, but then you open it later.
Peter B: That's weird. But I totally get cultural, but this is your point. Absolutely. So there is a cultural language. Yes, absolutely. Okay. Um, I think we could say that, uh, social media is a language, right?
Like how you project yourself out into the digital world, like Tik TOK, Instagram snap.
Amanda: it is totally crazy. And maybe a language in itself, and maybe we should write a book on that one.
Peter B: You think so?
Amanda: And maybe get rich, but like
Peter B: Wait, let's, [00:33:00] I'm in.
Amanda: There's so much more with the social media though, it's so complex, because you've heard, social media life is not your true life.
Peter B: I know. And besides, I don't think anybody would really read the book, because, it would take too long to read, and they just want ten second clips on TikTok, so. Good point. Finally then, I think we have professional language, like work language. Because different industries a lot of time have their own special terminology.
So, I suppose that could be considered, like, a language all its own.
Amanda: I think I can agree with that one. I see it all the time in my industry, right? We deal with people from all different stages of life, walks of life, all different industries, and I hear language that I have to decode depending on where they're coming from or how they relate to. different feelings
Peter B: it makes sense, right?
In your world, because you deal with different people, but I don't. Like, in my industry, it's all manufacturing, it's all the same. But that makes a lot of sense, because you deal with people, like, from a financial, like, they're all coming to you for financial questions and stuff, so they have a bunch of different ones.
So that's a perfect example. I love it. I don't know, there's probably a few others, but you get the idea. I think in general, like, Languages matter, like, way more than we think [00:34:00] they do, um, and we have to look out for ways people are trying to communicate to us, and not just with words, if we want to pick up on everything people are saying.
Language is big. Big big.
Amanda: I love it. I mean, I don't know if I love it, I have to always think about that. Languages and how to relate all the time, but I do I love the thought process behind all of it And how we can become better humans.
Peter B: I think it's super important
Amanda: Okay, so kind of answered everything that I asked
So I think I'm ready to just sit back in a hear me some fun facts.
Are there fun facts?
Peter B: Good news, bad news. Good news, I got some fun facts. Bad news, I don't love them. They're not all that awesome. But we get what we get, love languages didn't have a lot. So here we go. Ready? Uh, ready. Okay, so while you have a dominant love language you use in your most intimate relationship.
It is totally possible that it can be different for different relationships.
Amanda: That's a mind screw.
Peter B: Yes, so husband wife one way, dad daughter another way, or friend friend even another way. So if you're like me, with my wife, I was all about words of affirmation, [00:35:00] but when I'm with my girlfriend, I want physical touch.
You get the idea.
Amanda: You had a wife and a girlfriend?
Peter B: Shh! Next. There might be a sixth love language.
Amanda: No,
Peter B: I know right. Yep.
Amanda: Mmm. Nope, cuz then dr Chapman would have to rewrite that book or add a new chapter and that's not gonna happen And he's already sold in millions of copies
Peter B: and he's too old.
Amanda: Mm hmm that too. Okay, but I guess I'm going to ask, what is it?
Peter B: Okay. So, a licensed psychotherapist, Ginger Dean, let's go Ginge, argues feeling known is the sixth love language, appreciating and accepting your partner for who they are, loving them through all their dreams, quirks, and everything in between.
You know, like all their shit, so to speak. Just feeling known.
Amanda: Isn't that what you're supposed to do in a committed relationship anyways?
Peter B: Talk to Ginger Dean. She's not Dr. Ginger Dean Okay, number three just as people have different love languages. They also have distinct [00:36:00] apology languages And guess what
Amanda: what
Peter B: dr. Chapman has a book for it Of course, he does the right the five languages of apology Knowing someone's apology language can be just as important as knowing how they like to be loved Guess what? My apology languages.
Amanda: I don't want to guess.
Peter B: Okay,
Amanda: and I don't think that's a real apology I don't think that's a real apology language.
Peter B: Okay, um number four Some pet owners believe their animals have a love language. For example, their dog might show affection through physical touch, cuddling, or acts of service, bringing you their favorite toy. I call total bullshit on this one. People are crazy.
Amanda: No, I think dogs have a way they like to be loved on.
Peter B: Okay, um, I'm just going to clean the studio when this is over and do my little act of service for you.
Amanda: And Junebug is just going to bring you her toy later.
Peter B: That's fine. Oh my gosh.
Okay. And finally, some studies suggest that different generations [00:37:00] prioritize love languages differently. For example, older generations lean more towards acts of service while younger people prioritize words of affirmation due to the influence of social media and technology.
Amanda: So we've role reversed in our ages.
Peter B: Maybe a little bit.
Amanda: Okay.
Peter B: I told you they weren't going to be great, but that's all I got. That's a wrap on the facts.
Amanda: Those were mediocre, but I'll take it. Yeah, they were. I know, I know, I know. Okay. Well, I know I've gained some valuable insight into the five love languages by Dr. Chapman and I hope everyone else has well, and I kind of hope that this is going to help you transform your relationship. So I think we all have to say thanks to Dr. Chapman because he identified a simple and really thoughtful framework that has helped a ton of couples navigate, right, the complexities of love in their relationship.
Peter B: Thank you, Dr. Chapman.
Amanda: Absolutely.
And while though his concept has faced some criticism, like you said, because everyone's a critic, it's enduring popularity and impact on relationship counseling demonstrates its true value as a tool for fostering connection and [00:38:00] relationships. So, uh, Pete, what do I got to know? And I need you to keep it brief, because I want you to clean the studio.
Peter B: Oh, damn. You are holding me to this. Okay, uh, first, read The Five Love Languages. Of course, the secret to love that lasts by none other than Dr. Gary Chapman. If you're old school, you can find it on Amazon, or at your public library even. Otherwise, check it out on your favorite digital platform. Second, if reading is too much for you, at least watch the documentary, the five languages of love released in 2010, it's only an hour. And it's basically just Dr. Chapman lecturing to an audience about how all the languages work. It's like super simplified version. Third, after you're armed with some info, make sure you and your significant other spend time discussing what you learned or pick any other meaningful relationship you have in your life that you really care to foster.
The importance here is to put what you learned into practice. Then fourth, at your next event, pay attention to what people are chatting about and listen for some like grumblings about relationship. It usually [00:39:00] manifests itself like, I wish he would just do this or, Oh, she's fine over there.
She'll talk anyone's ear off. Because when you hear that, let's be honest, it's about to get uncomfortable for you. And people complain about their person way too much.
Amanda: I mean, sometimes people just gotta like, let it out.
Peter B: I know, but they do all the time. It's like oversharing. So, here's my trick. Instead of engaging these people, deflect.
And instead say, oh, it sounds like so and so, husband, wife, whatever, significant other, isn't picking up on your love language. Are you an acts of service kind of person? And then, Finally, share these interesting and relevant details to seem sort of sophisticated. The five love languages are,
Amanda: acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time. And receiving gifts. How'd I do?
Peter B: Perf. Thank you.
Amanda: I was listening.
Peter B: Beautiful. They were created by Dr. Gary Chapman and published in 1992 as a way to put language around love.
Number three, you don't need to share the same love language in order for a [00:40:00] relationship to be successful. You just have to keep an open mind and keep trying. Number four, your love language can change over time depending upon different life events or influences. So please stay in touch with yourself.
And number five, researchers are now proposing the idea of a seventh love language that we talked about a little bit earlier Social media Language or like the expressions of love through text, zoom calls, tick tock, snap are becoming way more significant and mattering a lot more than the in person crap that I was used to certainly in my generation.
So welcome to the table. Number seven.
Amanda: I don't know how I feel about that one. I think that is just a little mind boggling for me still, but
Peter B: I agree, if we're going to stay cultured and curious and be true to our podcast, then we have to accept things that are a little tough for us. I'm not saying we have to agree. I'm not saying we have to agree at all. But we have to accept. So we have to consider and think and all those things.
Amanda: Yeah, but I'm just wondering if within [00:41:00] all of the digital ness, It's still the original five, but that's just the way that they communicate.
Peter B: It could be. Absolutely right. Instead of in person, it's just, yeah.
Amanda: and there you have it dear listenersA wild ride through the five languages, where we discovered that your partner might not appreciate your grand gesture of buying a hundred roses if all they really wanted was for you to wash the dishes.
We also learned that words of affirmation can be a double edged sword, especially if your sweet talk sounds more like a Yelp review. We'd like to think we've shared just enough information to make you either a flaming nuisance or a little more sophisticated to your fellow humans. Well, sort of. Remember to love wisely, and it is our hope that your love language may always be understood even if you need subtitles.
And if you enjoyed this episode and found it particularly interesting, don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, and share with your peeps. Until next time, keep the love flowing and the laughter going.
